Pieces of a Widow

“She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum.”
― Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything is Illuminated

Mastering sadness was never a goal of mine. I avoided things that made me cry, made me feel uncomfortable, and caused my heart to ache. I didn’t plan to enter a relationship with Grief but life had other plans. Suddenly, Grief appeared, unwelcomed and uninvited. Grief’s house, my heart, was also unprepared. It had walls, internal structure, and was filled with love, trust, hope, and future plans. Along came Grief to change everything . . .

She blurted out, “The first thing we need to do is put some holes in these walls so I can come and go as I please. I’ll have to do some rearranging because I’ll be here for a very long time.” All at once, she began to shatter my heart.

“Why are you here?” I stammered, while trying to physically hold together my broken heart. The fog began to form in my mind and as Grief relentlessly worked the pieces of my heart fell in heaps everywhere.

“I’m your new permanent resident. Try as you will, you won’t be able to shake me. At times, I will appear adversarial, at other times sympathetic, and I can even show you snippets of your new future. In the beginning I will be downright depressing.”

She strolled around taking inventory of my memories, strengths, and weaknesses. “All of this becomes a part of who I am; who we are together. I’ll pull some of these out every now and then to remind you I’m here. I may choose to bring it gently to the surface so you can process it as best as you can. Other times I will spew things out like a volcano, catching you completely unaware. It will be explosive! Ultimately, you’ll learn how I roll and anticipate some of the things I do. In time, the volcanic eruptions will lessen and you won’t be brought to your knees every time I appear. But occasionally, you will still be brought to your knees.”

“Do you need to remodel everything?” I asked as she rearranged my memories, love, trust, friendships, and family relationships.

“Oh, honey. Everything in your heart and mind will be impacted. Every corner of your being will feel my presence. You loved your Monty with all your heart, soul, and mind. Your love for him was HUGE so my impact on your life will be HUGE. Eventually, as the heart and mind remodeling progresses, you’ll learn to live with me.”

How do I continue? Literally one moment at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. I keep moving forward but sometimes I stop and stay in a moment with no advancement. Other times, I back step.

There are days when the tears start early and continue in waves. On days like this, I escape into memories that I can almost touch. With my eyes closed tight and my awareness pointed inward I can feel Monty’s presence. I see his sparkling eyes and his sweet smile. He grasps my hands and I can hear him say, “That’s my Girl.”

It has been one year and three months since Monty was killed and tears still fall. The world wants me to be okay and show strength. They complement my improvement in the past year but what they don’t see is I’m still torn up inside. Grief is still remodeling.

Friends and family want to see me happy. To be honest, I want to see me happy too. As my world grows it will one day be big enough to hold my Grief and moments of happiness will surpass the moments of sadness. As Grief stated, I can see snippets of my new future.